Shadow of the past
by LOSTgirlsaCharliefan
Summary: R&R! Sawyer story what else do i need say.....click to find out
1. A Past full of Anger

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from the show lost that would be J.J. Abrams a lucky dude!**

**Authors Note: Hope u like, there is plenty more to come. Shall we begin…**

The salesman handed Sawyer the gun, with a bit of uneasiness. "I have been doing this for a while and a man who buys a compact 357 with hollow point loads, he ain't looking to scare off steal, he's looking to kill. But when it comes down to it if he finds he doesn't have what it takes to do the job…" The salesman trailed off.

"Your sales pitch needs some work." Mumbled Sawyer, glaring at the man. The man seeing the expression on Sawyer's face lightened his tone.

"What I'm saying is, you look a man in the eye and you point a gun at him, and you find who you really are man. And if you find you're not a killer, there's no refund." Sawyer loaded the gun, it was ready. He glared back at the salesman.

"Won't be a problem." He didn't need this man telling him he couldn't do it. He needed to do this… for himself. There wasn't going to be a refund and he didn't want it. Sawyer pushed the gun into the inside pocket of his jacket. That way he could easily conceal it but also reach it. He walked his way out of the shop with fury. He was about to complete the task he had wanted to complete for so many long years. His eyes filled with water but he didn't dare let them spill. Instead they turned cold, full of his hatred. His shoes clacked across the dock as he made his way to his car. He knew where he was supposed to go, where he would find the man. He opened the door and slid into the car. He sat in the car for a moment full of thought and slammed his hands on the dashboard. "That Son of a bitch!" Then he turned on the ignition and turned the car into reverse and swerved out of the lot. He raced down the road. His face frozen in an unpleasant smirk. "Move your damn ass!" Yelled Sawyer at the car in front of him. He repeatedly honked the horn. The girl in front of him seemed flustered but didn't speed up. She had sandy blond hair to her shoulders. The red minivan was making him so angry. "Speed up!" He yelled his face red with anger.

LOST

"Shannon, can't you speed up?" said Boone sitting in the passenger seat.

"No! God, now you, can't everybody just get off of my case!" She shouted at Boone.

"You know, you bring this upon yourself. I just can't believe you would do this to me. I worry about you and you steal from me, plus your damn boyfriend gives me a black eye! You are going to have some major Karma points.

"Get real Boone, of all times for me to get a conscience." The persistent honking continues behind their heated conversation. "God, who is this bastard!"

"Just move faster or let him pass." Replied Boone, who had an ice pack on his one eye. Shannon turned to Boone. She slowly let her foot off of the pedal making the car go extremely slow.

"Are you happy?" She glared at Boone. The man in the car behind them slammed his breaks. "Lets see who this bastard is?" Yelled Shannon rolling down her window so she could confront the guy. He pulled up alongside of her.

"You Bitch, what are you doing, trying to get me killed!" Yelled the man. His hair was all askew and his face was bright red filled with anger.

"Get off of my tail and stop with your damn road rage!" yelled Shannon in return. Boone shook is head.

"Sir, I'm real sorry about this." Said Boone. Shannon turned her eyes toward Boone.

"Shut up Boone." Yelled Shannon swerving the car making the other man yell out again.

"Just get your bitchy girlfriend here to let me pass, pretty boy." Said the man in return. "Bitch." Said the man before passing the car.

"Bastard!" yelled Shannon so the man could here her before returning her attention back toward the road. Boone sighed and rolled his eyes skyward as if saying, why me.

"Step sister." Whispered Boone.

"What?" asked Shannon realizing Boone was mumbling.

"You're my stepsister." Said Boone.

"Shut the hell up Boone." Shouted Shannon. The man got in front of them and Boone could see Shannon gripping the wheel her face in the same pissy expression she always had. "Don't you dare meddle in my affairs from now on." Said Shannon motioning toward Boone's black eye and the car in front of them. She smiled as she floored the pedal bringing them inches from hitting the man's car in front of them. The aggravated man yelled something in his car and glared back at the rearview mirror. "Yeah you like that buddy!" yelled Shannon sticking her middle finger up so the guys could see it smiling coldly. He just grew more aggravated and pushed on.

LOST


	2. A Long awaited Meeting

**Disclaimer:** For the thousandth time I don't own LOST or any characters

**Authors note:** thank u Angie, for R&R I really appreciate it. Here is the second chapter.

**Recently on LOST:** Sawyer is setting out to kill "Sawyer" meets girl who ends up being Shannon…….oOoOo coincidence? I think not.

Sawyer couldn't seem to get that girl out of his mind as he drove onward. His fingers turned white from holding onto the steering wheel to much. He turned off at an exit. He was almost at his destination. Only a little longer. The information floated back into his mind. _He owns a shrimp vender._ Why would a guy place one out here in the middle of nowhere? Thought Sawyer as he pulled into another lot.

He could see the man from his car. He was serving a customer. Sawyer looked at the man, the man who destroyed his life, the man who would pay, the man he would kill. But Sawyer did not make any moves, he wasn't going to get out of the car. He needed to do this but for some reason he couldn't bear to move. He felt no ounce of compassion for this man. So why wasn't he moving to go to kill him? Sawyer cast his eyes downward and out of his jean pocket he pulled out a crumpled letter. It was old and was delicate. He held it in his hand for a moment before opening it gently. He slowly and silently read it to himself. Reminding himself of the time when he had first wrote it.

"_Dear Mr. Sawyer, you don't know who I am, but I know who you are, and I know what you've done. You had sex with my mother, and then you stole my dad's money all away. So he got angry, and he killed my mother. And then he killed himself, too. All I know is your name, but one of these days I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna give you this letter so you'll remember what you done to me. You killed my parents, Mr. Sawyer."_

When he was finished he folded it back up and carefully put it back in his pocket. With his courage and anger restored he forcefully opened the door and stepped outward. He slammed the door and walked over to the vender. Each step filled with more and more hatred. He slowly pulled the gun out of it's compartment. He set it ready to fire. Soon Sawyer was up to order. His eyebrows narrowed and he wore an unfriendly expression. "Only two choices, shrimp in regular sauce or shrimp in hot sauce." Said the man his cool blue eyes gently laid upon Sawyer. After a moment of silence the man whistled. "Pal?" Sawyer focused his attention back.

"I'll go with the hot." Sighed Sawyer reluctantly. He needed a good alibi. He couldn't just walk up to the man and say, no, I don't want any shrimp I want to kill you, make you pay for what you did to me and my family.

"Hot it is." Replied the man turning back to cook the shrimp. "Fellow American?" asked the man over his shoulder. Sawyer nodded slightly. "Good for you. You missed the lunch rush. Where 'bout you from?" Said the man striking up a small conversation.

"Tennessee." Said Sawyer without emotion. He gripped the gun tighter in his hand.

"Love the South. Miss those…Southern women." The man smiled. At that Sawyer's heart clenched tight he wasn't sure it was beating. "Been in Australia long?

"Not really." Said Sawyer.

"For what its worth I have a special, half price for all Americans. My name's Frank by the way." The man said skillfully moving the spatula over the shrimp.

"James." Replied Sawyer. He thought the man who killed his family and him should know his real name before he dies. Sawyer looked to the man. He was busily preparing the food. He raised the gun a little higher. His hand shook.

"Nice to meet you James." Said the man breaking Sawyer's thoughts. Sawyer's expression softened slightly, his lips trembled it was time, he raised the gun even higher. But he found in the moment of vulnerability he couldn't do it. He wanted to pull that trigger so bad but he realized just then. '"You find you don't have what it takes to do the job, there's no refund."' The salesman's words ran back into his head. He couldn't do it. Sawyer felt ashamed he tried once more but found his body not willing to reply he broke down and fled from the scene. Tears once again welled up in his eyes. "One shrimp in hot sauce." Said Frank. When he turned Sawyer was already in his car. As Sawyer looked back he could see the startled expression on the other man's face. His last thought was, where do I go now? Where do I go now that I have failed myself and my family?

LOST


	3. So this is Hell

**Diclaimer:**don't own lost. yahtah yahtah

**Authors note:**READ MY STORY! ok now that i have gotten that off my chest enjoy the next part. THANKS ANGIE for reviewing once more.

**Recently on LOST:** Sawyer has failed to kill the man who has ruined his life.

Sawyer pulled his car into the parking lot of a bar. Before getting out of the car he cursed Frank and he cursed himself for not shooting him on the spot. He swore out in all his anger not caring if anyone could hear him, and when he was finished he got out of the car. He would deal with his pain the only way he knew how. He walked in, the bar was set to a comfortable dark lighting which definitely complimented his mood. There wasn't many people inside except from the normal townies and the occasional tourist on their way out looking gleefully drunk. There was an older man about in his late 60's sitting at the far end of the bar who was being tended to by the bartender. A younger man who looked like he just got off from work paid his fee and was finishing his drink.

Sawyer abruptly sat down on one of the stools. The young man near him finally got up and left. Leaving the room eerily quiet except for the occasional clincking of ice against some one's glass and the slurping of the drinks. Sawyer didn't mind this, it would let him think. If thinking didn't work he could drown his soul. The bartender approached him and sawyer got his drink. After two shots of whisky he laid the glass down. He sighed. "Again." Said Sawyer pushing his glass toward the bartender. The bartender cautiously walked over with the bottle in his hands.

"Are you sure about that, mate?" asked the man.

"Again," replied Sawyer firmly glaring at the bartender. The bartender reluctantly refilled Sawyer's glass when the old man Sawyer saw earlier called out.

"You tell him cowboy, these bastards think Americans can't hold that liquor." Said the older man making his way over to Sawyer. Sawyer smirked in his glass, this guy wasn't that bad. "I hate to hold my hand out, but I seemed to have misplaced my wallet." Said the man sitting down next to Sawyer.

"Set him up." Said Sawyer to the bartender. The bartender slightly afraid hurried to pour the glass.

"I drink to you. What's your name cowboy?" said the old man looking at Sawyer his blue eyes seemed light and distant. His white hair brought a little eerie glow in the bar.

"Sawyer." Said Sawyer sighing. It was the truth wasn't it? He was Sawyer and James but James didn't really exist anymore did he? It was Sawyer who haunted him since he was a child, he became his enemy, Sawyer the man who had conned his mother.

"To Sawyer, may he find what ever he's looking for at the bottom of the glass." Said the man before drinking. When he was done he laid the glass on the counter. "So Sawyer, what brings you to Sydney?" asked the old man turning towards Sawyer.

"Business." Said Sawyer without emotion. The old man nodded, sensing Sawyer did not want to go any further into the his true reason.

"Do you know why they call Australia down under don't you?" The man paused looking at Sawyer. "Because it is as close as you can get to hell without being burned." Sawyer smiled at that. Then he looked up at the bartender who had a depressed look on his face. He was slightly annoyed considering he couldn't close up until they left.

"Why don't you just leave the bottle?" said Sawyer glaring once more at the bartender. He quickly set it down and wandered off toward the back room. Leaving Sawyer and the older man to talk. "What's your handle back in the States?" asked Sawyer feeling a little more like talking. The man cleared his throat and poured himself another shot.

"I was a, chief of surgery." Said the man with a deep reluctance.

"Was?" asked Sawyer questioningly.

"Yeah, I was." Said the man as if opening an old wound. There was a long silence that passed until Sawyer spoke up.

"So we're in hell, huh?" Sawyer said before taking another drink. The man laughed a little.

"Don't let the air conditioning fool you son, you are here too. You are suffering. But don't beat yourself up about it, it's fate, some people are just supposed to suffer. That's why the red sox will never win the damn series." The man rambled. They both drank again, and the man smiled deep in thought. "I have a son about your age back in the states. He's not like me, does what's in his heart, he's a good man. Maybe even a great one. Right now he thinks I hate him. He thinks that I feel betrayed by him. But what I really feel, is gratitude, and pride because of what he did to me. What he did for me. It took more courage than I have." He paused for a moment before continuing. "There's a payphone over here." Said the man pointing to a payphone on the wall. "I could pick it up and call my son. Tell him 'bout all of this, tell him that I love him. One simple phone call and I could fix everything."

"Then why don't you?" asked Sawyer thinking hard about the man's words. What had happened that was so bad between him and his son.

"Because I'm weak." Said the man looking down. For a moment a very sad expression took his face and he was lost somewhere in time with people dear to his heart. Buried with secrets only his soul would know, burdened down by guilt his soul would bear. "This business that you have, will it ease your suffering?" asked the man regaining composure.

"Yeah." Said Sawyer recalling all those horrible memories which he tried so hard to keep buried.

"Then what are you doing here?" asked the man.

"It ain't that simple." Said Sawyer before letting the sweet intoxicating liquid fall down his throat and into his system.

"Of course it its. Unless you want to end up like me. Of course it is." Said the man trailing off once again buried in his self pity. Sawyer's brow furrowed. There was only one choice and he backed down but it wasn't to late. He finished the glass then lowered it. He smiled at the old man before departing. As he walked out he could hear the old man.

"Go get' am cowboy." Sawyer smiled. He would get him. The last thing he heard was the soft tinkling of the ice against the glass of the man's drink.

LOST


	4. sympathizing with an other

**Disclaimer:** Don't own lost or any of it's characters.

**Authors note:** hope u like the latest addition to Sawyers past.

**Recently on LOST:** After recieving advice from a man in a bar Sawyer sets out to finish the job.

Sawyers heart started to beat faster and faster as he approached the car. If he hurried he might not have to wait another day to kill "Frank" or should he call him by the name that destroyed his childhood. He put the car in reverse and without looking swerved his way out of the parking lot. It was only a few miles to the shrimp vender but he was low on gas and he could feel the car slowly going.

"Why me?" asked Sawyer as he turned into the nearest gas station. "2.999, Damn it." Said Sawyer as he got out of the car. There was a young man about his age next to him. He seemed distressed but was a handsome young man none the less.

"Hello sir, by any chance would you know the way to the…" asked the young man. Sawyer couldn't make out the man's destination.

"Man you better speak up if you want to be heard." Replied Sawyer looking at the man. The man muttered a sorry and repeated his destination. Sawyer spat back some discreet directions, he was in no mood to talk with anyone. The man said thanks and Sawyer thought he had gotten rid of him when the man started to speak.

"Do you like Australia?" asked the man sheepishly. Sawyer had looks to kill which made the man a little discerned.

"Biggest hell hole I've ever seen." Replied Sawyer with sarcasm.

"Your not in a good mood are you?" asked the other man.

"Well know what makes you think I'm not in a good mood?" asked Sawyer smiling a bit and raising his eyebrows at the guy.

"Well I feel horrible as well if it comforts you." Replied the other man. Sawyer hated it when people tried to relate to him.

"What's your baggage?" said Sawyer not paying attention to the numbers and price going up on the dial.

"Well, my wife left me about two weeks ago for another man. My family, well my mother is pissed at me for ruining my father's career, I am an only child." Said the man scratching his head for a moment. Something hit Sawyer just then, he had never been in a stable relationship except once. No he couldn't think of that, it ended too badly, everything in his life did. It was his fault that he hurt everyone he loved, but no, was it really his fault? No he didn't want to except it. He'd blame it on Sawyer, Sawyer who made his childhood traumatized. It was Sawyer who made him grow up. Sawyer who made him lose everything he once loved. It was Sawyer's fault not James.

"Sorry man but that's life, it sucks like hell." Said Sawyer. For a moment both men were quiet deep in thought each of their faces cringed having a battle with themselves. Sawyer spoke up. "I'm sorry 'bout your wife…what's your father's handle and why is your old woman so mad?" The other man laughed a bit.

"What a story." He shook his head. "My father worked in medics, and during an operation." He trailed off. "Life really does suck." He laughed again. "My mother she won't forgive me for what I did. To make matters worse my father hits a plane to Australia, god knows why and my mother sends me on this grand excursion to go and find him. I am the last person on earth he wants to talk to, and god knows where he is right now. Probably in a bar somewhere dwelling in his own self pity." The man trailed off but Sawyer could tell the subject hurt to talk about so for once he didn't press the matter. He felt a bit of compassion for this man. He didn't have many instances and most of the time he hated them. It made him weak and he hated being weak.

"First time in Australia?" questioned Sawyer. The man laughed again.

"How'd you know." Both men smiled for a brief moment. When all the sudden the other man's cell rang. "Excuse me, thanks for the directions, sorry about keeping you." "Hello it's Jack." Said the man into the phone. By that time he was already getting ready to leave. "Hi mom, no, no I haven't found him yet." Sawyer couldn't make out any more of the conversation as the man got into his car.

LOST


	5. nothing but a setup

**Disclaimer:** don't own, don't own, don't own lost/characters of it

**Authors note:** da da da DA!

**Recently on LOST:** After talking to a mysterious man we later find out to be Jack, we find that Sawyer can relate to people and people to him, not completely but slightly.

When he arrived that was when the rain started. The sky became a black abyss and gave way to the most terrible cold blooded rain. Sawyer stepped out of his car his feet smacked the puddles causing the muck to gather at his ankles. He had the gun in his hand and he was ready to go. No turning back now. He could see Frank throwing trash away in a red dumpster. He approached quickly so he could take him by surprise. He passed some picnic tables to his right and stopped directly under a street light. He raised the gun. "Sawyer." He calls out. The man turns around his brow slightly furrowed. Bam! Goes the sound of the gun as Sawyer shoots the man who ruined his life. Frank stepped backward at the impact of the bullet hitting him in the chest. He slid down the dumpster into a sitting position. He was gasping for air as the red blood seeped through his apron. "I got a letter for you." Sawyer goes on. He steps closer to Frank who by this time is struggling for air. Sawyer pulls the wrinkled envelope out and opens the letter. By this time both men are soaked. Sawyer's hair is sticking to his face and the cold rain still comes pouring down with out forgiveness. "Dear Mr. Sawyer." He started.

"Who?" panted Frank.

"You used to go by the name Sawyer." Replied Sawyer crouching down to be eye level with the man.

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked the man. For a long moment he said nothing. "You didn't have to tell Hibbs. I was gonna pay." Said the Man his chest now heaving his eyes fluttering slightly. Sawyer's expression tightened when he recognized the name Hibbs.

"How do you know Hibbs?" asked Sawyer panic started to flood through his voice. The man was going to live much longer Sawyer could tell.

"You don't know what you are doin' do ya?" questioned the man his voice becoming fainter. His hands were on his chest. Hoping that the longer he kept them there the longer he would live.

"You borrowed money from Hibbs?" asked Sawyer, his face struck with panic and anger.

"I was gonna pay." Sighed the man his eyes containing only a fleck of light in them. Sawyer's face had a look of horror on it. "It'll come back around." Spat Frank. A look of confusion and horror took Sawyer as the man's watery blue eyes glazed over and he slowly died. Sawyer stumbled backward. He wiped the gun clean of his prints and threw the gun into the dumpster. If the police found the gun it wouldn't matter, it wouldn't have his prints, nor would they be able to find the place where he bought the gun because it was secret. He ran to the car. He had been set up, by Hibbs.

He remembered the night he was back in the hotel room with the beautiful red headed girl and Hibbs had been there waiting for him. Hibbs' and Sawyer's words from that night floated back into his head. _I warned you if you ever came back I would kill you. We both know your not the killing type… _Hibbs had trapped him good. He knew the only man he would kill and took advantage. _It would make us even for the Tampa job. The whereabouts of the man who ruined your life. His name is Frank, Frank Sawyer he owns a shrimp truck in Sydney. _Sawyer to overwhelmed with the thought of killing him hadn't seen it coming his own greed to finish the job had blinded him. This man who Sawyer had just killed was not the Sawyer who ruined his life, dear god his last name probably wasn't even Sawyer in the first place just another lie of Hibbs. Frank was just an innocent man who borrowed money from Hibbs. The money was probably to help his business or if he had a family or if he had a drinking or gambling problem all possibilities for the borrowed money flew through Sawyer's mind. Hibbs had tricked Sawyer into killing him. Made him do is dirty work for him. Sawyer was now consumed with a new hatred, not for the man Sawyer but for Hibbs, he would kill Hibbs for setting him up. But where would he find him. Hibbs wasn't the man you could track nor could find, he found you. So Sawyer would spend the rest of his life tracking a ghost. Revenge. He had forgotten the meaning, just its overwhelming lust to kill.

Once inside the car he had the most overwhelming feeling of fear and guilt he had ever felt since he was six. James was taking over, the young boy who had to give up his childhood, Sawyer was losing control. The little boy who was still hiding under the bed until the police came and dragged him out. The little boy who had been passed around to all his relatives until the age of eighteen because they couldn't handle his baggage. The little boy who never had a childhood, because cruel reality had torn it from him, cruel reality had turned him into the man he had been trying to kill. This had never happened before, James had never been this strong, Sawyer was the one who dominated he couldn't believe what had just happened. Emotions of all kinds tore at him and all he knew was he just had to get away from there and he would be fine.

LOST


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